The Era of The Spammer

This piece was written by Garvit Sharma (Batch of 2021)

Disclaimer: This is an article which deals with the people who spam the batch group chat. No spammers were harmed in the writing of this article, despite the writer’s best intentions.

We live in amazing times. U.S.A is being led by a sentient (or is he?) pumpkin and North Korea by a creature who behaves like the love child of King Joffrey and Patrick Bateman. There might be a third world war. The threat of nuclear attack is looming upon the world. Terrorism is spreading across Europe. Flat-earth believers and Holocaust-deniers still exist. Nazis are back. Daniel Day-Lewis has quit acting. Rohini has decided to compete with our college mess and has dropped its standards. Lassi shop is charging THREE extra bucks for take-away items. Sherlock in all probability won’t be renewed for a fifth season. Domicile reservation is being imposed upon us. Phew. It seems like God was getting bored so he decided to read a Stephen King novel but when his boredom didn’t end he thought, ‘Hey, it would be a great idea to make the plot of this novel come alive’. Dick move. But hey, Chetta is selling Doritos now. That soothes my soul a bit.

However, there are bigger problems that need to be dealt with. And they need to be dealt with NOW. The NLSIU Batch of 2021 has been suffering from the epidemic of ‘spam’. And I have a feeling that this epidemic is not limited to only my batch group chat. In every batch there are a few people who, for some reason, can’t breathe without spamming. The result is an overdose of texts which make no sense. I understand that you spammers like to make your existence felt, but sometimes it is a good idea to shut up for the sake of other people’s sanity.

Events like the declaration of domicile reservation have some great perks. They make the batch group chat ‘lit’. Every time you see north of 20 new messages on the chat, you know something interesting has happened. Something which is justified and reasonable. Like Crim class being cancelled and the ensuing ‘Thank you, CRs’ texts. Justified. But when you see north of 200 new messages on the chat, you know the world is about to end. All hell has broken lose. Apocalypse is upon us. The ‘studly’ people of your batch are at loggerheads and are trying to figure out how to save the world. The era of irrationality has begun. Your feeble attempts at providing some comic relief have been to no avail. The spammers have taken over the group. They have decided to organise a coup and dethrone those who vouch for reasonableness. Weird creatures, these spammers are.

(Kindly read the following text in Morgan Freeman’s voice for maximum impact: Spammers are a bigger threat than Artificial Intelligence. A spammer is a creature which lives in hibernation for most part of the year. But when this creature wakes up, it makes it a point to remind everyone of its existence. After waking up, it goes on a drug-induced frenzy and asks amazing questions like ‘IS EGYPT STILL A COUNTRY?’{Yes, that happened} The spammer doesn’t feel any remorse for its conduct. Driving you up the wall is the sole reason for which the spammer is born. These creatures need to be controlled. If they are not, they will lay waste to the beautiful world of instant messaging. They are the Trumps and Jong-uns of our cosy little world. Their texts are missiles. We are their targets. Survival is victory.)

So what does a guy like me do when the spammers are doing what they do best?

• Grab popcorn and see how the drama on the group chat unfolds.
• Suggest something stupid like going on a riot to stop the domicile reservation.
• Curse yourself for forgetting that non-U.P. people have not yet mastered the art of rioting.
• Eventually realise that setting buses on fire won’t help your cause.
• Try not to cry. Cry a lot.

But you’ve got to marvel at the genius of these spammers. Your know-it-all friends have spammed and sorted everything out and the world is a better place again. These people are the only ones who have their shit sorted. We must look up to these people. They take out time from their busy schedule for lowly people like us. Such benevolent creatures! *wipes a tear*. These people are the guiding lights for humankind. The selfless nature of spammers proves beyond doubt their commitment to solving the problems which we mere mortals can’t possibly tackle. I am confident one day they will solve the problem of climate change and the middle-east crisis by spamming. Old souls, these people are.

So how do you save yourself from the onslaught of spammers?

• Don’t say anything.
• Very politely ask them to stop spamming. (Sounds good, doesn’t work)
• Very rudely ask them to stop spamming. (Okay maybe avoid adopting this method. I have seen enough “Garvit that’s sooo uncalled for” messages for a lifetime)
• Leave the batch group. Sound too extreme? It’s worth it. (Family WhatsApp groups are enough BT already. I personally have a collection of 264 photos with ‘Good Morning’ superimposed on roses and lotuses and lilies. You name a flower, I have it)

Asking questions sometimes on the chat is obviously justified. The number of questions these spammers ask, however, is not. I’m sure all of us know that excess is wrong. I mean, it’s not like people in our college drink excessive alcohol or miss excessive classes or waste too much time on unimportant stuff, right? Spam messages are therefore just an aberration in a college where people generally exercise remarkable self-control.

I think that’s enough ranting for the next 12 months. But seriously spammers, you’ve got to stop. And for those of you who are sick of spam, hang in there. The night is darkest just before the dawn, right? Hope is a weapon. Survival is victory (cue epic instrumental music).