This NLS News Bulletin has been written by Lakshmi Nambiar and Jwalika Balaji (Batch of 2023).
The recent sightings of strange men dirt-biking outside the field and jalebis belonging to NLS inmates going missing have brought to the limelight the state of security measures on campus (or lack thereof). Prima facie, it appears that the student body is lobbying for better security measures on campus. However, our Quirk team did some classic investigative journalism into the recent break-ins in Himalaya and Annapurna/Annexe and realized that there could be more to the story.
Imposters on Campus or Faculty Efforts to Increase Research Output?[1]
Fearing the loss of “perception” as an index to determine NIRF rankings, NLSIU is finally stepping up to bridge the gap (between itself and the ‘second-best’) in the other categories it sincerely believes it can excel at, like research output.
Recently an outstanding young researcher was seen gracing the halls of House Himalaya (the first-year boys’ hostel), brought here at the behest of one of the faculty. Such was his brilliance, that he made it here without sitting through an interview, going through a careful selection process, or even sending in a formal application through mail. His admission to Himalaya had been approved by a simple SMS chat!
He was given the discretion to select a room of his choice, and he did so by offering his varying credentials to impress several Himalayan inmates. His CV boasted of him having done one-year sentences at NLS in the LLM Bunker in the years 2011, 2009 and even in 2008(!), when the one-year programme did not even exist. Just like the kings of yore would passionately compete in a swayamvaram to win the hand of that one elusive princess, the inmates fought to offer their nightly chambers to this exotic snake-eyed, sun-kissed Pondycherrian (?) who promised to teach these inmates the tricks of the research trade.
“He sat in our room and with a tear glistening in his eye, reminisced about the past and how wonderful it had been to play cricket in the valleys of Himalaya. It was uncanny how much we could identify with him, as an inmate, though I wonder if the valley was bigger back then. Hmm…” one of the first years recounted. After some research, however, concern arose amongst the first-year boys that this outstanding young mind might not be who he claimed to be. When the disciplinarian-wardens were informed of this imposter, they refused to descend from their m(h)orbid quarters citing a lack of substance in the complaint (although the complainants were not wanting for substances in any way).
Touched by the affection shown to him by the boys, but not wishing to create a feud, the researcher gently turned the eager inmates down and sacrificed his research residency. Nonetheless, he left a mark to encourage future scholars by signing off on behalf of the youth of NLS at the Townhall CNN Event. After that day, the researcher disappeared without a trace (but this piper, unfortunately, didn’t take the rats of Himalaya with him).
Self-Defence Against Strangers or Has the Feminist Mobilisation on Campus Gone Too Far?[2]
As the shutters of Chetta rolled down in the wee morning hours of 10th April 2019, a group of what can be only be called feminazis congregated at the guillotine swings outside Yamuna brandishing multiple innovative forms of weaponry, including (but not limited to) a crutch, a pair of scissors, a hanger, and the worst of them all – a feminist mindset.
At around 1700 hours the previous day, a strange, unidentified woman approached multiple inmates within WHOR while they were in a deep stupor – on the pretext of needing help. She entered unlocked rooms and rifled through people’s belongings – giving alibis and fleeing each time she was caught. Unsurprisingly, when a warning was put out by the aforementioned affected inmates on hostel groups in the middle of the night, there was immediate panic.
Doors were locked, secret passwords created, elaborate knocks involving the chords to Dancing with a Stranger agreed upon, Cerberus (Fluffy) of the Underground brought to guard the Women’s Halls of Residence and only the bravest inmates ventured to the washrooms.
The inmates, naturally being oversensitive and prone to over-exaggeration, painted her as a serial killer lurking in the ante-chambers of Annexe. They even went so far as to knock down the door of a fellow inmate who was just taking an extraordinarily long restroom break and brandishing a hanger (and some feminist mindset) at her face, in fear that she was the mystery woman hiding out. “It was such an empowering feeling to break down people’s doors in the middle of the night and lecture them on feminism. Oh well, I suppose looking for that creepy lady was on the agenda too. Yeah, totally,” recounted a WHOR woman who wished to remain anonymous for security purposes.
It pains us to see the contrasting ways in which women and men have dealt with the issue of having outsiders inside campus. These WHOR women, having fallen under the spell of liberalization and westernization, forgot their Indian roots of ‘atithi devo bhava’, and chose instead to get violent and hung up on trivial issues like security and privacy when there were larger than life issues such as rogue Jalebis going missing on campus.
[DISCLAIMER: We wish to clarify that this is #NotAllWomen. Like one inmate recounted, “I couldn’t be bothered to get up. Two of my friends went, though, and one came back about an hour later. I just assumed the other was done being feminist around that time too.]
Maybe we will never know the true identities of the mysterious researcher, or the so-called “serial killer” (of sane, guest-welcoming minds). Some suspect it is our 100% Perception scores in NIRF that has made people so desperate to just enter our unholy campus. But maybe, just maybe, there are more pressing issues lurking about – like why the inmates of this haven are so desperate to get out. Stay tuned for further updates!
[1] Kabeer Tiwari, ‘General Body Meeting Minutes: 28/03/19: 9:00PM’ (2019) p11.
[2] Chandni Ochani, ‘Unidentified Woman on Campus’ (NLSIU Mailthreads, 10 Apr 2019).
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