Pigeons and PDA

This article has been written by Garvit Sharma (Batch of 2021).

(Advisory: Don’t do PDA. Nor let anyone do.)

There are probably only 2 things I like to do in college:

1. Sleeping
2. Taking my routine walk(s) to Chetta 5 times a day.

However, both of these activities have been defiled for me (as they have been for several others). NLS has been infested with things which are considered by many to be extremely annoying and revolting. I’m talking about 3 things here:

1. Pigeons
2. PDA
3. Pigeon PDA

More on PDA later. But first let’s discuss sleeping. The most enjoyable part of day, ruined completely by pigeons. Goddamn these furry assholes (furry assholes sounds weird, I know). There probably are scores of bird species on our campus. And pigeons are the most attention seeking of them all. They are like that one annoying batch mate of yours who cracks stupid jokes all the time to seek validation from everyone (did I just sum up my life in one sentence?) Pigeons are the musical.ly users of the bird-verse. Annoying. Repugnant. Noisy. Even the much-maligned crows are better than pigeons. You know why? Because when crows are being noisy and you use earplugs, the earplugs actually work. But that’s not the case with pigeons. Pigeons don’t care if you pour concrete in your ears. They will make sure that they are heard. Who needs alarms when you have pigeons?

But pigeons are even more annoying in another aspect. PDA. Pigeons engage in PDA on the window sill when you are nonchalantly taking a shower. (Are they not aware that other birds are looking? Are they not aware that I am looking? Dumb birds.) As if we do not have enough pigeons on the campus already. Let’s let these pigeons make some more pigeons! (Sorry about hating on pigeons, SNHP. But wait, you only care about the cute animals, right? I guess dissing on pigeons is alright then.) Pigeon PDA. Oh the joy I derive when I throw water at copulating pigeons. Human induced coitus interruptus. Pigeons don’t have condoms. Pigeons have me (A very naked me angrily throwing water and spoiling their sexy time).

I sometimes wish it were acceptable to throw water at humans engaging in public display of sexy time too. Trust me, there is no right-wing orthodox mentality behind this. Do whatever you want as long as I don’t have to watch you do it. I’m already dealing with pigeons and their PDA and their poop. I don’t want to deal with yours. You want your girlfriend to sit on your lap and play with your hair? Well, guess what – we have a Learning Centre. Go and play with each other’s hair all you want. And please, don’t limit yourself to playing with hair. Play with everything that can be played with. I have absolutely no right to complain about what you do within the confines of four walls. But if you engage in PDA in the library park in broad daylight when I am enjoying my 3^rd cold bournvita of the day, I’m gonna flip. We get it, you are in a relationship! I’m sure your saccha pyaar will last forever. I just don’t want to see you snogging each other at Chetta, or in the Lib Park, or at the BB Court, or in the acad. Couples reading this are probably thinking: yeah Garvit you are complaining only because you never get any sexy time. 2 rebuttals:

1. I have sexy time with myself all the time.
2. I do enjoy watching couples displaying affection towards each other. It’s called porn. And porn, unlike PDA, is aesthetically pleasing.

But this is where this gets tricky. Is PDA totally unacceptable? Can there be any exceptions? I’m sure we are all aware that there are different degrees of PDA:

1. Hanging out with each other all the time: How. Can. You. Bear. To. Be. With. The. Same. Person. 24×7. Just how?
2. Holding hands and walking: Are you using your partner as a crutch?
3. Hugging each other in the middle of the pathway right after class gets over so that everyone can look at you: What do you think people say when they look at you hugging at 2 pm: “Waah! Kitne hot lag rahe hain?” Nope. They say: “Vo dekho kitne chutiye lag rahe hain!”
4. Kissing in the acad.
5. Kissing at the BB Court.
6. Kissing at Chetta at midnight: Kissing. At Chetta. At midnight. That time of the night when the entire college walks to Chetta to get its nightly dose of caffeine. That is when you decide to kiss each other? Bravo. You know what? You might as well ask us to shut our eyes. Maybe it’s too much work finding keys to a room in the LC. We’ll all just walk around college blindfolded. Go the full distance and fuck each other right there at Chetta. We won’t look. Pinky promise.
7. Making out at Navalgund Park: This is the last straw. PDA at Navalgund is a blatant violation of the harm principle. You are harming me, guys. Making the walk from MHOR to Chetta is not very easy to begin with. Add to this the constant danger of pigeons pooping on the top of your head. Add to this the fear of spotting overly-competitive batch mates walking to the library to do some moot or some other studly activity. And as if all this trauma is not enough, add to it the fear of spotting couples making out in the park. Geniuses, you are. Or to use the term in vogue these days, bokachodas. Remember how the college has “Thanks for not smoking” boards installed everywhere? We need to have “Thanks for not engaging in PDA” boards too. And four of those need to be installed right at that intersection near Gate 2.

Bottom line: You are not invisible. We can see you doing things to each other. No, we are not impressed. No, you don’t look cool. No, you don’t look hot. Yes, you look very chutiya. Yes, it’s time to stop. Put some interruptus in that PDA. The skies won’t fall.

Thanks for reading. May you never be traumatized by ungodly creatures such as pigeons and couples again. May you never have to witness PDA again. And may you have lots and lots of (private) sexy time.