Acad Shut after Bird Poop Contamination

Acad Shut after Bird Poop Contamination

“The hostel bathroom smells better”, laments student

January 17, 2020 | Aman Vasavada

Several reports of the putrid stench of bird poop in the areas surrounding the academic block of Nagarbhavi Laa School have finally prompted the administration to take action. This morning, NLS authorities declared the region as the Acad Exclusion Region (“AER”), cordoning off the academic block and its surrounding regions with leftover SF barricades to prevent inmates from any accidental exposure the noxious fumes. The birds have been identified as egrets and they have been already been struck off the NRC. Efforts are underway in the AER to capture them, book them for Swachh Bharat violations, and send them to the new detention centre near Bangalore. The white carpet of egret poop has reportedly destroyed local ecosystems, killed all the grass around the acad, and forced the departure of some professors from NLS to greener pastures, literally.

Scientists from the Atomic Minerals Directorate for Exploration & Research [yes, that thing opposite Gate 2 – open your eyes] inspected the AER earlier today with dosimeters and recorded radiation levels of 4000 roentgens per hour. This makes it the smelliest disaster in human history since the Great Stink of London in 1858, surpassing even the Mexican Wave Incident of 2016 where 10 third years came for evening class after a Taco Bell lunch and let it rip simultaneously during attendance to conceal voice-changes in proxies.

NLS Inmates Review is still investigating why these egrets have shifted base from the bridge behind Narmada to the Acad Block region, and why their numbers have skyrocketed to putrefying levels. The Environment Group blames climate change for the migration. That angry WHOR resident who routinely sends “Loud Music: Please Shut Up” mails is convinced that the effective ban on quad parties has led to a rise in room parties in WHOR, prompting the disturbed birds to move to the quieter acad treetops.

Conspiracists claim it is an inside job, orchestrated by the administration in furtherance of their restrictive acad policies. They believe that the bird excretion overdose was an excuse to declare the acad as the AER and barricade it completely from the inmates. Our Asia-Pacific correspondent Jyotsna Vilva cites the Singapore model of converting poop to electricity, hailing this shitshow as a possible first step in yet another cost-cutting electricity policy. Another faction points to the abnormal spike in the stench levels this weekend, suggesting that it is a deliberate move to block out NALSAR and NUJS trilateral visitors from entering our acad and discovering our trophy-less acad walls.

LawSoc perceives larger forces at play. A member commented: “First they came for the acad. Next they’ll come for the library. Then they’ll come for the hostels. Finally, they’ll come for you. Wake up. Just like the pigeons sitting on the CCTV cameras in the acad, these birds are government agents. They’re clandestinely clamping down on dissent by blocking off our common spaces, disrupting our protests and distracting us from the larger issues plaguing the nation. Section 144 didn’t stop us so they sent 144 egrets instead!” Our USA correspondent V Sreedharan reports that this could be a US Air Force exercise in preparation for World War III, testing the carpet-bombing strategies of its new, nuclear-capable birds.

However, there is a bright side to this repulsive whitewashing. Attendance marks have been cancelled with immediate effect, due to the inaccessibility of the AER. Funds are being diverted from FAP corpus towards finally completing construction of the new acad. SNHP too is cashing in on this crisis, making it a case study for the next APPC, themed “Expelling Egrets without Regrets: Best Practices”. Australia is sending specialists to study the possibility of using egret carpet-bombing to douse bushfires. Inmates also wanted Australia to send OzzyMan to campus to review the tragedy, but NLS did not want to pay for his flight tickets.

At the time of publishing this, the casualties of this olfactory apocalypse stand at 2 puppies, 1 acre of grass, the will to live of about 348 students and counting. Quirk is distributing pollution masks tomorrow on a need-based policy. Priority will be given to non-Delhi inmates who are not adapted to surviving toxic AQI levels.