Sceptics argue that it’s a wilful move by the important man to become more elusive

August 18, 2018 | By: Aman Vasavada | Image by Mukta Joshi

Ganga’s foreman, Krishna Gowda Sir, is widely acknowledged as the humble little fellow who successfully duped parents into thinking that their spoilt and lazy lads have finally learnt to do their own laundry and clean their own rooms.

Obviously always in demand, his ringtone echoing in the passages is a fundamental feature of MHOR’s afternoon ambience, second only to the desperate yells of “Gowdaaa Sirr” from those who still don’t use Jio. Unsurprisingly, the adoption of the John Cena theme as his harbinger has become the talking point at MHOR dinner tables.

A very vocal faction of lazy Delhi boys speculate that the transition is a deliberate signal by Gowda Sir that he’s done with their shit and will henceforth be as elusive as John Cena – the WWE superstar with the motto “You Can’t See Me” who has been sighted even less frequently than some Ganga boys have been sighted in the 8:50 A.M. classroom.

If their theory holds true, the domestic lives of many will be crippled. “We are considering seeking project extensions for having to do our own laundry”, complained one of the boys, who refrained from naming himself.

All may not be lost, however, as another source claims that there is no hidden agenda behind the ringtone. “Everyone is overthinking this. I’ve seen Gowda Sir watching the Royal Rumble in the common room. He’s just expressing his fandom.”

Ominously, Gowda Sir was not available for comments.

As we go into press, GWC is investigating the claims and SDGM is on alert to counter any spontaneous violence triggered by the act of 40 irritable men waking up in the bunkers of Ganga to the John Cena theme blaring on Gowda Sir’s trusty Nokia, all because that one piece of shit on Cauvery’s top floor was too lazy to come all the way and call him.

हर कदम थमती है धड़कन मेरी

हर कदम सहमति है हिम्मत मेरी

हर कदम मुकरती है किस्मत मेरी

हर कदम झपकती है पलके मेरी।

आम है मचलना मेरा इस सफर में

आम है मुकरना किस्मत का सफर में

सफर, जो होता है छोटा इन कदमो से

रास्ता जो बना है इन कदमो से।

ये रास्ता जो जोडें मेरे सफर को मेरी मंज़िल से

उस मंज़िल से, जिसके इंतज़ार में पूरा योवन बीता

जिसके दीदार ने मेरे सफर की थकान को तोडा

जिसके लिए हमने इन कदमो को थमने से रोका।।

I’m done with Tinder. Yup, it’s over. Consider me retired. Someone take my phone and drag the Tinder icon to the ‘uninstall’ icon. Let’s be clear what my grouch is not about. It’s not about the one Tinder incident which everyone in college loves to exaggerate and joke about (screw you Bunty, I did not ask you what you were wearing). It’s also not some regurgitated crap about how vain Tinder makes us, because I’m the last person who’ll give you that perspective.

It’s been a good run but I’m just sore. It’s tough to keep up any longer. There is literally a mark on my phone the size of my thumb which stretches to the right. My touch screen has eroded in the right-swipe portion of the screen. I’m done with swiping right to women who I wouldn’t ever want to meet. I’ve had enough anxiety from accidentally swiping left on gorgeous women. I’ve had enough self-hate from accidentally swiping right to women who you unmatch immediately. I’ve had enough shame from the few times I tapped the super like button and no one responded (I was professing my love, you heartless fool). Tinder is a young man’s game, and if I’m being perfectly honest, it should be no man’s game. Maybe the internet is too vast. Maybe there are way too many stunning women out there that I can view four photos and a bio of but never be able to meet. These are women who offer me a glimpse into their world, only to disappear forever. I feel like I’m stranded in the middle of the ocean without any navigation tools, with a photo book of beautiful islands, and my boat looks really ugly. (Most women have stopped reading, most guys nod depressingly)

Tinder has left me full and starving all at once. I believe it’s time to go back to a simpler time. Remember that old school method of chasing women? Forming a ‘crush’ on someone, lingering in the Acad talking to them even when you’re done with your consult, hanging around at Chetta at 12.20 till Chetta cock blocks you by pulling down his shutters, attempting to volunteer for events in the same stream as them so you get to hang out. Having conversations over text that steer wildly from mundane chatter to intense flirting till you back off because you may as well have been typing with your dick, back to mundane chatter. Figuring out which party they’re going to and figuring out excuses to talk to them at said party.

At the time all of this felt like too much work. But now? I miss it. I miss the old school experience of chasing after only one woman because it made me want the relationship even more. It made me shy when discussing my top 5s. It made the experience of the real thing something my mind couldn’t quite fathom, and made me look forward to it. Tinder is a lot like ordering from Foodpanda in Nagarbhavi. There are way too many options and you finally decide on something and they don’t deliver to your area. I have a feeling I just want to stick to eating at Rohini.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this meme I see on my news feed frequently (this is also how I start conversations with women on tinder). It has this Asian girl who in response to a dichotomy says, “Why not both”. I feel like tinder is the manifestation of that meme, where you can be talking to 4 women all at once with the sole intent of inviting them to your Bone Zone. More than that, your success or failure depends on how good your “text game” is, and not the person you are. There are texting rules that govern how you should talk to these women, and if something goes wrong, it’s because you didn’t follow that rule. We put so much stock into our texts so that at the end, we can look back at it and say, “Oh he didn’t text back enough” or “I texted this girl too much” like we broke a rule that gets us disqualified. That’s a lot easier than looking back and saying, “I tried, and the girl didn’t like me, and that’s something I can’t change”.

My point isn’t that Tinder isn’t great. The point is that maybe we were better off not knowing. That’s why I’m going back. I’m going to a top 5 world. I’m choosing volunteer streams after I talk to the woman. I’m staying at Chetta till 12.20. I’m hanging around in the Acad even when I’m done with my consult. I think it will help my taste for the real thing. I think it will help you, too.