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Spiritus Announces Mandatory Volunteering for Inmates

September 10, 2018 | By: Lakshmi Nambiar

In a surprising revelation, Prof. T. S. Somashekhar, when asked about the economic viability of Spiritus, replied saying “I need data to answer that. But you see, there’s a lot of other stuff that you’ve got to factor in. There’s so much forced labour, we lose out on classes and sleep – you have to take into account these social costs.” This prompted the Quirk team to indulge in some serious cutting-edge investigative journalism (we can’t promise that we won’t be taken seriously by certain other investigative journa(LI)sts). In light of our findings, we have decided to reveal the now declassified text of one of the mails sent to the first years with the subject “Mandatory Volunteering” (originally, innocently “Spiritus 2018: Call for Volunteers”) that we had uncovered.


 

 

Dear First Years (Our Drudges),

Spiritus, now, is just a week away. When we haul you off to a meeting on the night of 22nd, you will know how your campus life turns subhuman for those few days and nights (although there isn’t really a distinction, considering the lack of sleep). Until then, here’s why you must apply for Spiritus:

To begin with, Spiritus depends on the involvement of those of the law school community who choose not to go home or hide in their rooms and under their beds, and that now includes you all, since as first years, your choice is limited (we will search beneath your beds)! Fests like these are part of our shared heritage, and how strenuous it turns out to be adds to the brand value that NLS is (we’re only preparing you for your corp jobs). We are talking about the fest, but we are also talking about so much more than the fest, and we will (until Spiritus gets over and we need you no longer) keep talking about the fest so that you either volunteer or feel major FOMO.

Secondly, Spiritus is an experience like no other. When else in your life will you find yourself dabbing at the basketball court (removing moisture, not some football player’s cringy move) with a sodding wet newspaper? When else can you find people revelling noisily at Chetta without facing a mail thread as a consequence? (Not even Freshers’ night gives you that leeway.) There is the dread of rain in the air, that will propel you (whether or not it’s voluntary) out of your beds at ungodly hours (even by Law School standards), with WhatsApp groups blowing up- simultaneously demanding your presence at the football field, the basketball court, SAI and the library for some goddamn reason.

Further, the bonds (think restrains, not relationships) that you’ll make at Spiritus are the bonds that will last you for the excruciatingly long remainder of your time here. Spiritus provides your seniors a great opportunity to order you around (without being reprimanded for it), and then later, to make up for three days of no sleep, screaming at you and making you do all this work somebody will get you one treat (at Chetta at that). A satisfactory day’s work is always rewarded with a cake at the end of the day. But, be warned, if it’s not absolutely perfect, we’ll give you lectures that will take away time from the three hour nap that’s the only sleep you were getting and guilt trip you with the cake, but you will eventually get cake, so it’s all good!

Last and probably the only reason you’re really giving up sleep and sanity for this – makeup will be provided for any classes you miss, because waking up at 6am to do manual labour is still preferable to getting an education, even by mistake.  

In conclusion, if you do volunteer for Spiritus, you will be tired, sleep-deprived, sunburnt, aching, sleep-deprived, annoyed, angry, full of despair, sleep deprived, hungry, cranky – and did we mention sleep-deprived? But, you will get a treat from a senior who pities you, whatever cake you manage to grab, perhaps, some free coupons, and in about five years your brain will twist these memories around and make you believe that you had the best time ever. So do volunteer! Even if you don’t we’re going to make you volunteer anyway!

Love,
The Real SportsComm


Editorial Note: First years, if you’re worried about sharing this, Spiritus is done anyway – SportsComm has no use for you. Don’t you worry, the next set of first years will be just as clueless and vulnerable as you were.

Published in NLS Inmates Review

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