This article has been written by Madhunika Varadarajan (Batch of 2021)
This article is written by an individual who submitted the same memo for both the sides and then shamelessly stared at an extremely attractive judge who happened to question her about the same. Hence, it can be concluded that the author comes from an absolute position of authority to speak on this very issue. Furthermore, it is also recognized that the author’s brain seems to have been hardwired to type out anything (even a shopping list) in a manner which makes it look like a fucking memorial. It is submitted that author must get some help and perhaps a vacation.
With that introduction (or whatever that was), I would like to list out the absolute, sure fire approach to cracking one of law school’s biggest krakens: Mooting University rounds.
Step 1: Eavesdrop on one of your batch mates and listen to them talk about firming whilst you happen to take a peaceful nap in a very productive morning class. Panic and wonder as to why the fuck are people deciding on this a month before the problem release.
Step 2: Search for a friend in class and then come to realization of the fact that you don’t have a lot of friends. Set this source of perpetual mild depression aside for a more immediate and caustic source of the same: FINDING A FIRM.
Step 3: You finally find a friend (Hallelujah!!!!). You try to make eye contact with her beautiful and trust filled eyes. Done. You make weird gestures with your mouth and eyes, trying to ask her about her “firm scene”. You end up looking like a spazzing owl undergoing an exorcism. Nevermind. You continue spazzing like a vibrator and your friend assumes that you want food. This is probably because you usually only ask her about food and not a firm.
Step 4: After class, you approach your usual food ( now hopefully firm) friend and ask her if she wants to firm. Now, your food friend wished that you had just asked her for food instead.
Step 5: You receive the shocking news of your best food friend being a part of another firm with all of your other friends. Sink into depression as you begin to question your self-worth in this place. Consider the net-worth of your Wattpad fan-fiction, given that you probably won’t amount to much in this place and will probably have to sell your B grade “Watlock” erotica to make a living. You come to the hopeful conclusion that the era of soft porn will never come to an end as long as there exist horny youngsters in barren and top notch colleges.
Step 6: Sit and wonder as to if your batch-mates decided upon these firms back when they were embryos in their mom’s bellies. Like when the fuck did these arrangements happen?
Step 7: Nevertheless, you realize that you are shameless (shame stripped bare due to those countless quad parties you don’t remember) and ask your food friend for a place in her firm. And just like that you are in!
Step 8: On the deadly and quiet night of the problem release, you make a sacred promise to your firm-mates about not sacrificing your friendship for the sake of “fucking Univs”.
Step 9: Throw this promise out of the window. If possible, throw a copy of the problem out of the window as well. Preferably set fire to it. Do carry out these activities with caution.
Step 10: Do extensive research on an issue that was randomly allotted to you. Swell with pride over the fact that you haven’t researched this hard for any project. Then come to realise that your idea of “project research” doesn’t amount to high standards.
Step 11: Type out your memo. Wonder as to what the fuck you did for 7 days in the name of research. Consider submitting a Crim project instead of a memo which might just be caught for plagiarism.
Step 12: Submit your memo a minute before the deadline for deductions. Feel proud of this achievement. The next day, come to terms with the fact that you submitted the same memo for both the sides.
Step 13: Bring this faux pas up in your oral rounds. Watch as the judges wonder as to how could a specimen come up with such an innovative variation of a fuck-up.
Step 14: Die in two 12 minute rounds of questions being thrown at your face like water balloons. Then tell yourself that you can get through this. You got through a History-I viva. Then remember that the one thing History one taught you was that “History repeats itself”. Fuck.
Step 15: Die once again as you check out your oral rounds rank. You knew you sucked, but saying that you “sucked” was apparently overestimating your capabilities.
Step 16: Re-read that Quirk article that discouraged you from backing out in the first place and wonder as to what the fuck were you thinking back then.
Step 17: Stay hydrated, given that you will probably cry out all the water in your system. Keep the fluids going. Any form of fluid will be admirably apt for this situation. Alcohol is a special, personal recommendation of the author’s.
Step 18: Channel your depression into a passive aggressive article about your experience. Use an accurate misnomer to name the article.
Hopefully this article equips you with the skills you definitely need for tackling Univs (whenever you plan on doing that). Until then, “get your moot on and don’t cry”.
Dedicated to my firm-mates and the most “dysfunctional firm ever”.
P.S: The author didn’t write this with the intention of discouraging the law school population from mooting. This article strictly presents a viewpoint with respect to what could happen (or in this case) go wrong in Univs.
Also, we weren’t that dysfunctional. Two of my firm-mates killed it. The rest of us tanked of course.